My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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