she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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