i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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