I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
