i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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