Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
