I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
