her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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