Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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