can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He better not be in your backpack
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
