Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
