I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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