you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
