my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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