Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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