i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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