Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My life is pants optional.
Randomize