Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm at about main and main street
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
