Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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