theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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