I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
