What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
