Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize