My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
vagina is talking i cant
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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