My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
