I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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