I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
