So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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