she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
