I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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