Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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