I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
