I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
