the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
