I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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