she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize