I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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