Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
