i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
