APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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