i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
