His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
