R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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