I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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