how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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