sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
