did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize