I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
