Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
