upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fill condoms, not promises.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
