u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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