I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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