Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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