I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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