Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
