I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
