Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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